Appreciating Anger
How I learned to get angry, what it means, and learn to appreciate it in a very new way
It is a muscle and skill to know my emotional boundaries and being able to say something when someone has crossed them. It is something that is in development and which needs work. I have been learning more about what anger means and how to express myself, finding a delicate balance of being peaceful and honest.
Me and my relationship with Anger
For about 27 years, I was under the belief that anger was a useless and dysfunctional emotion. After being a witness to different forms of rage, abuse, and verbal insults, I decided very early on in life I wanted little to do with this emotion. Growing up I found ways not to get angry. No matter how much I would be taunted or provoked, my goal was not to get mad, and instead learn to ’turn the other cheek.’ I was proud of this trait of mine, thinking that patience, almost in a buddha-like sense, would keep me in a peaceful state. Without me knowing then, but even the Buddhist teachings see patience and anger in a different context.
Fast forward towards a situation in my life where my boundaries were being crossed every day. And my response was to allow it to happen. Taking it in and giving people around me the so-called ‘space’ to vent, even if that meant them being disrespectful towards me. I always tried to understand why people would get upset? Why do they have to get so angry and why do they have to punish others for this?
In my eyes, anger is just an emotion that has a destructive impact on others. I saw this within my family, but also with people in my surroundings. I noticed this in a more worldly sense as well. As the years passed I realised that I could repress my anger, not allowing it to emerge and something found a way to burry it so deep I wouldn’t be able to find back even when I needed it the most.
How it all changed
During a conversation with a psychologist, one that I saw years ago, she had me pinned down at a particular moment asking me if I ever got angry? My mind went blank; I couldn’t think of any moment. I saw her look at me puzzled, as if there is something there that neither she nor I could see, yet. She asked me about a moment that I felt something that happened that ‘wasn’t right.’ When did I feel bad about a situation? Or moments that I felt powerless? My head flooded with all kinds of memories. It was as if the plate tectonics in my mind started to shift and I felt something breaking through. She then continued by asking me if I ever felt negative feelings towards others? I certainly did, but I didn’t want to admit it. It felt so contradictory; Here is me; taking on a life oath; learning to be a kind, forgiving and compassionate, but also realising that I felt deeply ashamed of the negative feelings I have towards someone. I had taught myself I would do my utmost not to allow those feelings to emerge. If I did end having those feelings, I remember how it made me feel like I was doing something wrong.
She continued to ask me whether I knew where my boundaries were and if I had ever stopped someone from crossing them? This was the moment that I finally broke. I started to feel a gradual swell from inside. It felt uncontrollable while it made its way to the surface. Not only did I not know where my limits were, I was not clear on giving boundaries if someone did something that didn’t align with my values and principles.
Concluding our session she gave an explanation is which brought things in to perspective
“Anger has the function of telling you what your boundaries are. Anger shows you what you find important and what you believe. Anger is there to help you realise when you need to act.”
The more I allowed myself to listen to this inner voice, the rumblings of unpleasantness; I realised that feeling discomfort or injustice was something I should be giving more attention. This gave entrance to allow the thoughts to surface and finally take voice.
Now let me be clear, being angry is very different to how one chooses to express anger. My earlier exposure to the negative manners in which anger can be expressed were the reasons I denounced it such a long time ago. Choosing an appropriate and peaceful response is what worked out for me to be a more balanced practice.
For so long I would bite my tongue in the wish not to offend someone, whilst it is this very expressing of my boundaries that essentially linked to truth. The truth, my truth then, is the expression of this anger in its most peaceful and compassionate form.
To help here are two examples
Brene Brown talking about boundaries, integrity, compassion, and empathy:
The great Maya Angelou talking with Oprah Winfrey about knowing your boundaries and the best advice she has given:
Converting Anger/Frustration
After this particular insight, I started to explore my values, principles and especially moments I feel anger or frustration. I learn a lot from my partner. She is exceptionally skilled in knowing, and being transparent when she is either upset or frustrated, and I find it fascinating how she can be very sharp on what bothers her and where it comes in the shortest of times. I continue to learn from her, as an example, how to listen to this inner voice that Maya Angelou talks about as well. This sacredness we have inside we need to learn to defend. How to do what feels right? When to stand up, or to walk away when needed?
This prolonged feeling of inner-anger, if not converted, can turn into something toxic and poisonous. Think of it yourself and you can easily think of examples on a micro but also macro level.
During sessions I moderate and facilitate, I ask a series of questions. One of the questions concerns the topic of anger & frustration. I ask people to have a conversation with someone in the room that they don’t know and talk about the things that frustrate them about their work. To choose something that doesn’t sit well in their stomach at the end of the working day. And if possible to try choosing something that is within your circle of influence.
The importance of focusing on this is to learn how to sit still with that which frustrates you and to become conscious of it. To realise what it is and possibly where it comes from. It also helps to realise what is important and what your values are deep down? Now the point is not to dwell on this but to instead to learn how to use this as a force for change.
Albert Einstein said something the conversion of energy:
“Energy can not be created nor destroyed, it can, however, be transformed from one form into another”.
What if you could learn to convert that frustration & anger into something constructive and positive?
Anger, therefore, is a very functional emotion and one we can harness (convert) a lot of energy from. Every massive movement in the world: whether it was the Civil rights movement or the women’s march that took place in the last year, many of these significant occurrences take place as an answer to particular anger and frustration on some topic. The conversion and expression, is, therefore, something connecting and constructive. Now think of something that doesn’t sit well with you: What is it? What could you do about it? What are small steps to start taking some action in it?
Let me end with this. Although it took me many years to develop this awareness, I am still learning, in small steps, to become more conscious of what I feel, what it means, and how to act upon those feelings. I am grateful to have realised that anger has a function. And now, on occasion, if you see me get upset, you will understand that it is something in practice. And within this practice, I sway, sometimes going too far, and something not far enough, that is a part of the process as well. Now though, I don’t only appreciate anger, I can even learn to enjoy it.
Anything that annoys you is teaching you patience.
Anyone who abandons you is teaching you to stand up on your own two feet.
Anything that angers you is teaching you forgiveness and compassion.
Anything that has power of you is teaching you how to take your power back.
Anything you hate is teaching you unconditional love.
Anything you fear is teaching you courage to overcome your fear.
Anything you can’t control is teaching you to let go.”
- Jackson Kiddard
