Losing is over glorified
Everyone talks about losing and how glorious it is. That we need to shed the fear of loss and how it makes us stronger. The famous statement rings true;
“Whatever doesn’t kill us, only makes us stronger”.
I have most certainly experienced this for myself. There have been many times that I have lost, or even felt like I lost everything, and yet, where I am now, is a sentiment to the strength those moments had provided me. It is proof that the cracks, when sealed, create an even stronger vessel than the original.
“The world breaks everyone, and afterwards, many are stronger in the broken places” — Ernest Hemingway.
At the moment I was writing this, I recognised that feeling of loss. You may be able to relate. Whether it be a job, project, decision, commitment, relationship, aspiration; it doesn’t really matter, losing has something universal about it, that can, at least in my case, feel like things will never be the same.“Will things ever be the same?” is the question that I am left with. Why this especially keeps me occupied is due to the acceptance of something that will permanently change. And I think that is where the challenge lies; Things won’t be the same. Learning to accept that truth is a start.
If you go and search “losing & quotes” in Google, you’ll find motivational video’s and a whole bunch of blogs written to inspire you all around the ‘glory of loss’. How, for example, people like J.K Rowling, were turned down a crazy amount of times before her novel was actually accepted by a Publisher and she became famous with her Harry Potter series. We all have heard stories like these. And yet, in the midst of the moment, when one is feeling the loss, the light can be very dim. So dim that we can’t see it. We are in this nasty dark hole and think that we are falling. Falling hard, without knowing when it will stop and when we can start climbing back up. It is that moment when our chest implodes, and there is a void that feels endless. Grimm, and yet very lifelike, and recognisable in its own way.
The other day I had that, I felt that feeling. That feeling that it is hard to get out of bed. That moment I was watching Netflix and kept on pressing “next episode” so I can mindlessly allow myself be taken away by another world other than the world I am living in. Where I would get up only to eat or the need to go to the bathroom. And once the stench of my own body became bad enough, I would get my ass up to take a shower.
I know, I know, why don’t I meditate? Or do some sports or talk to a friend? Or the 1001 other things that would help me? All of these are most definitely sound advice in such moments of despair, but what is it you should do when you are within that moment?
Now the cognitive part of me knows; the suffering I feel won’t last. That whatever negative feeling I am going through will pass. But what do I do when I feel the vortex of crap and shit at that moment? What do I do while in the midst of it?
And let us be serious, how severe are my problems really? If I relativise, I feel that I have nothing to complain about. Here I am living this lavish developed world life; a roof over my head, food to eat, meaningful work, people around me that I love, and that love me. I have a salary, social life, weekend and evening plans. To have moments of unhappiness, despair and the feeling of loss seems ridiculous if one puts these things in perspective. How could my loss compare to those not having a roof over their head, or food to eat? Or those being separated from their loved ones? How can I feel that I am missing out on something with so much to be grateful for?
And yet, something doesn’t feel quite right.
Losing is over-glorified
A loss is something we all feel in our own way. It is something universal, no matter your circumstances. However being able to accept loss is where the real strength lies. It is when we sit with that feeling, allowing ourselves to feel the bits of misery, to be real and true to it, this is when we can get ready for the next step. Losing sucks, and it is supposed to. Sure there are those who are “excited” about failing, and I compliment them for being able to change that perspective and even rewire their brains. I know we all can do so if we practice. Most of us, however, and I am speaking for myself here, feel ‘the suck’ pretty bad. And in that, I also know how hard it is to embrace ‘the suck’. How can I embrace it allow myself to accept it as it is?
There are no words of advice that help, more so than the realisation that this feeling is there for a purpose too. That courage is not the absence of fear and success is most certainly not the absence of failure. That to know victory is to feel and know failure. To understand how it feels, smells, tastes and how one’s mind can take us into these darker places. When you can accept that, that is when you can take the next step. And yes, to admit to this takes a truckload of courage, it takes buckets of strength. One must dig very deep to stay with it, no matter how painful it is.
“Between stimulus and response is a space, and that space is our freedom to choose” — Viktor Frankl.
One thing you may come to realise, as a fact, no matter what state you are in, whether you are falling or rising, you are free. Think about it, when you jump off a cliff that is safe enough, into the sea, at least for anyone who has had a chance of doing so, that moment of falling, is a true testament of freedom. That sinking feeling is there, you are terrified, and yet, the actual falling, is when your body is completely free. This may feel like a stretch, but I see the logic in freedom lying in the midst of our despair. Now freedom doesn’t always have to feel good, but it is there. No matter our circumstances, we are free to make our own choices. That is something no one can ever take away from us.
So what comes next? What do you do when you’ve reached this point of acceptance? This next step feels fake at first, even unnatural. Sitting at a table and having to write down 3 things I am grateful for can feel tedious and stupid. And yet, with small bits of practice, I can start to feel thankful for the things I do have. This is the moment to try to watch motivational video’s, books and every form necessary to begin carving one’s path upwards. To get your body moving. It is weird how it works, but hot damn, it does. Getting yourself moving is the literally the first step.
Figure out what works for you? For me it varies from; Getting up, taking a shower, showing up to work, allowing myself to be honest with what I am feeling, writing and even to (re)start using my gratitude journal. It also has to do with going to the gym, getting my body active, and just plain getting my ass out of the house and not being stuck behind some brain numbing Netflix series because of some self-made excuse that I have to finish it. What has most definitely contributed is the verbal sharing of my loss, which includes learning to accept my defeat as it is. And sitting my ass down, on a yoga mat and breathing. May it be 10 minutes, 30 minutes or more. The simple act of sitting and breathing can feel horrible, and yet liberating as our minds, body and, dare I say, soul, get a chance to process all the crap we are feeling.
Andrew Brui via www.unsplash.com
Now there may be confusion regarding failure, loss, or defeat, as they all can relate to different situations. In this context, I placed them under the same umbrella with the purpose of the more profound feeling and emotion that comes with it.
And allow me to add this; when I write personal notes such as this one, I get private messages with the perception that I am not okay. That is most certainly not the case. I am going through what many people go through I believe. While I am enjoying and thriving, I am also learning how to deal with this thing called life in my own unique way. I read books, meditate, sport and have extended conversations with my friends about my fears and insecurities. Just as well, I have a social life that I am very grateful for & I also really appreciate my ‘me time’ whenever I carve out space for that. My sharing is a catharsis in itself. So before the compassionate responses of “go love and accept yourself”, I know I should/could, and I practice doing so too. The writing is to elaborate on one aspect of my human experience.
I am not here to give advice or what to do when you feel like shit because you have lost or failed in something. I think it is the realisation that feeling failure is a natural process for us to live through. And that feeling doesn’t mean you need to ‘quickly get over it’, nor does it mean to dwell in it. The feeling means we can acknowledge the ‘loss’, recognise it, feel it, and then when you’ve given it a moment, to take the first steps accordingly.
The choice of what to do comes after the decision, and courage, of accepting where you are.
Originally posted on my Facebook page
