Small talk
Why I don’t like small talk and how to approach it a little differently
There is something about talking to strangers that has often been difficult for me. While I was growing up, I found a modus and have become much better than I was before in it. I either ask too much or don’t know what to ask. The awkwardness I used to feel at birthdays or other public events was very present. Despite being an extrovert, I still would have troubles getting into the usual ‘small talk’. And it is in that premise, that I don’t really like the entire context. I don’t understand why we have such conversations as a means of passing by time or just being superficially friendly.
While mentioning how I don’t like small talk, I also know that it doesn’t have to be that complicated either. Whether you step into a shared uber/taxi, birthday party, public transport or a conference, it is a skill, and it can be practised. Small talk can have some depth if you want it too. And remember, the conversation can be steered in which direction you wish.
“How are you?”.
How did this become our default question to ask each other? I wish we could somehow surgically remove this from our go-to question every time we don’t know what to ask. A bit extreme perhaps, but I have seen how this question does not bring people that much closer together. The question “how are you” is commonly used as a knee-jerk response and introduction. “Hey, how are you,” which is just “hi” in extended form. The response is then binary. I miss a particular openness and honesty to an answer as we fall back to some automatic programmed response of “I’m doing fine, thanks, how about you?”
We as a society have grown used to not going into the depth when having casual conversations. Maybe we don’t need to, and perhaps there is a fear of connecting with someone on a deeper level. That someone responding with “I am not okay” would bring us into an uncomfortable situation. And what do you do then? As this response doesn’t occur that often, mainly because the person saying it would not want to feel like burdening another random person with their internal issues. There is also a stigma with “not being okay” which is why we don’t want to admit to our negative state so quickly.
Mix it up a little
Experiment. Try different questions. What helps is knowing you can always follow up with another question. Some alternative questions to ask could include:
“How is your day going?”
Someone’s day can open things up to more the real-time occurrences and you ask them what it is they did today that made their day good or not so good? A little less intrusive than a person’s internal state.
Share a question you’ve been pondering:
“I always wondered why people come to this conference, what they want to get out of it, what is it for you?”
And when someone ends up talking about the work they do, try asking them
“Why do you like/love the work you do? What gives you energy?”
The “why” follow up question helps create more depth and creates an openness in the conversation. Even if you do decide to ask “how are you” and someone says “really well”, guess what, you can follow up with “why is it that you are doing so well?”. If you were to ask me this question, even if I’m expecting it, I will be stumped and yet intrigued to answer it
“What does your name mean?”
Now, this has to be one of my favourite questions to ask when it comes to getting to know someone new. There is something quite interesting about how our identify ourselves with our names and often are not as aware of what our names mean. But even if you have a very common local name, to ask “what does your name mean to you?” can bring about an interesting conversation too.
Small talk doesn’t have to be all that uncomfortable or even worse, indifferent. Create a level of connection merely by exploring the questions you would like to know more about the other or that you would like to answer yourself. And who knows, you may become more comfortable talking to a stranger and get to know someone a little better.
I guess the question then becomes: is it still small talk?
Anecdotally, here are a few conversations I was able to have with Uber Drivers in Kampala, Uganda whilst visiting in November 2018. Just a few questions and I heard all kinds of stories.
